In ANYTHING on March 11, 2014 at 12:45 pm

adam: oh come on!
how can i be blamed…
isn’t you who created the woman?
the woman you gave me gave me the fruit
and i ate!
how can i be blamed?
ask the woman…

eve: nah, not my fault!
this serpent you created deceived me.
you know it’s not my fault!
blame me not.
the snake, it deceived me!
look, there’s the sly snake…ask it…

serpent: [the serpent forks its tongue…hissing; wriggling its
tail- causing some rustling on the leafed floor of the
edenic garden…it stares scornfully.]

britelife: [running after the serpent…]
is it not you “papa-adam” and “mama-eve”
is talking to?
what have you to say?

serpent: [hisses again…]

deeran: [tugging at britelife’s oversized shirt…]
you’d better leave that serpentine creature

vil: why are we just standing here?
can’t we kill this snake and eat?

judy2: [thinking of korean cuisine]
here’s a stick vil…
use it to hit it on its head;
i can make korean snake soup
with it!

peacetee: [concerned about animal protection]
is that not maltreatment and extinction
of endangered species?
let’s ask olanajim’s philosophical view on

olanajim: i wonder how and why the snake spoke!
it’s a supernatural phenomenon at this age
of creation for a serpent to speak so confusingly!
the mechanics for the vocal, bucal cavity is not
supposed to be well-developed at this age of man…
i shall predicate it on the artificiality of the eventuality
around the superficiality of celestiality…

prince: too much grammar!
less talk- more action, please.
can i have the stick and kill the snake?

bigjay: [wondering what the sex of the snake is…]
ehn- bros, before you hammer the serpent;
can i know the gender- sex – of the serpent?
and is it a virgin or not? how many partners
does it have?

diva_gal: you’ve not even been through
with daughters of eve!
you’re already running after
serpentine chick…

anny: is sex with serpent not a good exercise?
please bigjay, carry on!

kinzo: [he walks in like the prince in “coming to america”…]
kinzo king is here for the show too.

tukur: [coughing mischievously…as he struts toward kinzo]
two of us can play the snake and ladder game, you know.
you climb. i climb.

furtune: [wondering what his own action or word will be…]
stop it, bestiality!

naijaecash: [calculating the market viability of the serpent’s skin…]
please, my people- how much e-gold can i make
from this silly serpent?

kendan: if you’ve been to sodom, south africa or nigeria
the serpent’s skin is worth a million shekels…

megabucks: but first to make its sale profitable
you’ve got to have an effective online
marketing and promotional base…

kufreabasi: please, gimme the snake! let me eat.

abuman: with this serpentine situation…
it is not uncustomary for snakes
to have incestuous relationships
amongst themselves….
serpentine-sex relationship between man and
hiss-animals; i’ll say each one to his tent!

shadow: who picks the last number of snake?

tytylayor: i am trying to guess the job of the serpent…

goldenrolly: the serpent is a confusionist!

edisha: do not condemn the work of holy father…

yemmight: could the serpent be lonely?
is the snake single?

lady: maybe the serpent made love to her!
who knows?

aminah: i guess it is god’s will for the snake…
nothing happens without his knowledge!

freddiewit: i bet the serpent’s not as witty as me…
i challenge the serpent to a wit’s contest!

babazinnih: if it’s who wants to be a millionnaire
i can challenge the serpent…

rivermaya: is the snake by the riverside of babylon?

crown4me: how can that be?
only kings reside by that river…
kings like me who has the crown!

sleek: if the serpent is as sleek as me
i think we shall let it go…
so let’s see who makes the last post here!

olufemi: does the serpent belong to the rank
of global moderators?
or, could the snake be searching
single sisters on the forum?

(…all the while the virtual satan sits there
listening and reading the blabbers of everyone…
pulling the strings of the hissing serpent
that’s unconcerned about everyone’s point of view…
the majority could not carry the vote…
but yet, they all blame satan!
satan vexes…what next?)

the drama continues…shortly:

satan: [sitting still…not having said a word
all this while. he is breathing fire and brimstone;
his eyeballs looking like fiery gorges…sitting
cross-legged, tapping his crooked fingers on
his knees…or, what looked so!
then he stands up satanically- in akimbo…
he opens his mouth, as if to talk, but closes
it again; his dilating pupils surveillancing everything
around him…he heaves. he sighs. he coughs.
he snickers. he growls…then, he roars…
(we can wait forever, but, i don’t see him talking)]

judy2: what are you guys rapping about?
has diva_gal become a commodity?
or, is she a barbie-doll?!

prince: no, she’s a sex-goddess.

crown4me: whatever you guys do, lemme
have my fair share…
or, i’ll tell heavenly authorities!

speak2me: you can go to hell!

funshy: can i follow him?

kufreabasi: why not?
in fact, i’ll send some calabar girls
to accompany you!

abuman: no way!
we have some very pretty, of age
women here in afghanistan who are
for men like them…

menene: since am about to start my beer parlour
business; can someone beg satan to
release the serpent for me…so that
judy2 can make korean snakesoup with it?

tukur: hey, my friend- you’re trying to play
with the cobra’s fangs!

kinzo: let him “jasi”…no long thing!

peacetee: but the serpent is really long…
and you’re saying no long thing?

tytylayor: [wondering what’s happening…then goes
back to playing her game]
i am here!

shadow: [playfully running after her own shadow…]
is there any other number to pick apart from

sleek: hey gurl, try 999!

micheal: it goes beyond all that…

newstart: is there a chance in hell to
start a business with someone



the production props fall apart…
the crew are put asunder!
the creative producer and the executive
director shall be back shortly!

…serious arguments ensue
in the production/studio room

first voice: [soft but indifferent] calm down…i say calm  down…

second voice: [strong and fierce like the sound of
thunder in the night booms]
he’d better calm down, or else…

third voice: [timid-sounding but firm…]
or else what?

second voice: [speaking as if with broken jaw…]
or else, i will clamp you down!
i’ll rubbish you live and direct…

production/studio room: [silence reigns again]…


adam: it is Eve’s fault for being suspicious of my whereabouts.

eve: It is Adam’s fault for leaving me alone; to chase after other women

adam: but you are the only woman on earth

eve: how can i be sure of that

adam: you can find out if you want to

eve: very mad ;how can i when i don’t go out with you.

adam: why not count my ribs

[somewhere close to a bushy garden that looks like the lost garden of eden…
a young man is playing with what looks like a rusted sword; he seems fascinated with
what he has found…then, someone appears on the stage looking beaten and worn-out]

sir iyke: [screaming] give that sword back to me – and now!

solo: [the young man playing with the rusted sword] hey! hey! take it easy man…

sir iyke: [spittle dripping out of his mouth]…(he hissed)

solo: but i didn’t take the sword from you [showing it to him]

[sir iyke attempted to grab the sword away from solo…there seems to be some scuffles as
both fall to the ground struggling over the sword…; “hey! hey! hey! stop fighting” a voice came
from the background. it was kendan].

kendan: now two-fighting! will you stop the struggle?

solo: [panting like a fish abandoned on a sandy beach] he’s trying to steal away this sword from me.

sir iyke: [looking worse more than before] it’s a lie. a very big lie. the sword is mine.

kendan: [looking confidently confused, wonders how to approach the matter carefully…and now many   folks are milling around them] we shall settle this amicably…

achibobo: [who is amongst the teeming crowd cuts in] ha! i know that sword!

marcus orji: [adding his voice] me too!

ebony: isn’t that sword what we used to cut cocoyams in the farm
in the olden days?

islandgirl: i thought you’d know better

icebabe: maybe there’s something about the sword we’re missing

michael: whatever it is, let’s just separate these two fighters before it becomes a
free-for-all fight.

abuman: ok. ok. two fighters! stand apart!

furtune: [looking exasperated] is it like that you’d separate them?

kinzo: [rolling up his trousers and flexing his muscle] ok. you [calling on achibobo and maduka marcus orji]
hold that one and you, hold the other one, as i take the sword from their hands.

diva_gal: [hissing] na wah oh! this must be satan’s sword…

genie: what’s this hullabaloo all about? don’t you folks have more important things to do?

(now separated, the two fighters {sir iyke and solo} look like men thrown down a one-storey building into a pool of muddy water; the two keep panting, speechless and they appear they are going to faint at any point in time)

islandgirl: shall we get these pitiable fellows some drink?

kinzo: no way! not until they explain this their unruly behaviour…

graceded: [supporting kinzo] yes, why are they disturbing public peace?
me and just wedded wife were about doing something when we heard
all this noise going on…and we don’t want to appear like the proverbial
couple whose apartment was on fire yet went on to sleep doing nothing
about it.

icebabe: are you kidding me?


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